In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and

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