Sex advice from your parents it took you bloody years to find out was totally wrong

YOUR braces are off, you’ve discovered Lynx Epic Fresh and your parents have accepted getting laid is a possibility. This is the red-faced, mumbled advice they gave you:

“You’ll know what to do naturally”

Being a good lover comes instinctively, like a baby bird learning to fly by being pushed out of the nest. That’s how your dad learned. The question of whether his instinct made him any good or just able to procreate is one he’s never paused to consider.

“When you’re ready, you’ll know”

What will the signs be? Butterflies? Birds singing? Fireworks? Unchained Melody played by a string quartet? When it turned out the actual sign was your boyfriend Warren getting his knob out.

“If he won’t wear a condom, it isn’t love”

For years, you took any lover’s reluctance to glove up as a person