NEW YORK, NY - After being found guilty of a series of grisly murders in the upstate New York area, convicted killer Simon Davis, a.k.a. "Stabbin' Simon", has been sentenced to life in Australia without the possibility of parole.

Davis collapsed in the courtroom as the sentence was passed down. "NOOOOOOOO! Anything but that, please! Send me to Sing Sing! Alcatraz! Azkaban! Anywhere! But PLEASE! Not Australia!"

Formerly a prosperous Western nation and beautiful vacation destination, Australia has more recently been transformed into a massive prison colony reserved for the worst of the worst, such as rapists, murderers, and people who go outside for some fresh air without permission.

"In this case, the punishment certainly fits the crime," said Judge Stephanie Anders, who passed the sente

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