WASHINGTON, DC

In a press conference at the White House today President Joe Biden announced that starting next week fully-vaccinated Mennonites will be allowed to remove their bonnets in all public places.

“And the men don’t have to wear their suspenders, either,” said Biden. “Once you’re fully-vaccinated, you don’t have any need for that stuff anymore, although we still recommend that you stay six feet away from the back end of a dairy cow.”

The news was met with elation from Mennonite women across the country.

“Finally! Mennonite women have been waiting centuries for a vaccine like this!” said Mrs. Mast of Kidron, letting her hair flow freely in the warm spring air. “I don’t want to complain, but these bonnets sure can get stuffy on a hot day!”

It’s not yet known whether the new rel

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