Hark! Lo! Yoo-hoo!! After a truly baffling season of Bachelor in Love Island, both I and the Bachelor Cinematic Universe have returned to our true form. I, a beautiful and clever five-time Emmy-winning writer with a few Wednesday nights free and The Golden Bachelor, a heart-warming and adorable exploration of women’s second acts with a male doofus at the center who has already embarrassed himself. A lot is absolutely terrible in the world around us. I think we’re only three business days away from IcyHot being classified as a Schedule I controlled substance, but The Golden Bachelor remains!

And what a Golden Bachelor we have! There’s already the scandal surrounding Mel, where he didn’t seem to understand the basic premise of the television program he signed up for. He appeared on

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