COLUMBUS, OH — Sources close to local man Jevon Willis say that the 28-year-old was tragically deprived of the opportunity to be moved by Vergil's "Aeneid" because the classical masterpiece did not contain a character of exactly his race, sex, and socio-economic class.

According to Willis, the "Aeneid," a classic of Roman literature which has instrumentally shaped the entire world, culture, and history of the world Willis inhabits, simply has "nothing to say to him" because it has no characters for him to identify with based on his skin tone and annual income.

"I mean, it might be fine for an ancient Roman affluent male, but I simply can't find myself in the 'Aeneid'," Willis said, dubiously eyeing Vergil's magnum opus as he sipped on a venti mocha with skim and 6 pumps mocha, ex mocha d

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