New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?

The Babylon Bee has obtained the following exclusive list of changes Hegseth is making to military health requirements:

Must consume a minimum of 7 pounds of beef per day: This does not include the expected daily supplements of raw bovine liver.

Must be skinny enough to fit through the top hatch of an Abrams tank: Getting stuck will get you immediately thrown in the brig.

Can get up out of a chair: Surprisingly, 92% of generals can't do this without assistance.

Must be at least 5 years removed from their last bowl of Lucky Charms: You can enjoy delicious cereal, or you ca

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