NEW YORK, NY - Horrifying reports out of New York City indicated that oppressive Christians have begun an all-out assault on secular New York citizens, by attacking them with delicious Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches.

The opening of several Chick-fil-A locations throughout the city confirmed New Yorkers' worst fears, that Christians had begun a brutal offensive consisting primarily of offering tasty chicken sandwiches to hungry citizens who would like to eat them.

"This is a Christian-fueled hate crime on par with the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, and the Crusades," one author wrote in The New Yorker . "These Christian crusaders must be stopped, before everyone in New York City gets a quality meal with excellent service at a decent price. Think of the children!"

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