PHILADELPHIA, PA — Americans on both sides of the political divide have finally united under a single issue: every single American in the United States has agreed to vote for whichever candidate stops sending them campaign donation text messages first.

Political analysts say that the move probably stems from the average man getting fed up with receiving over 3,400 text messages soliciting monetary donations from the Trump and Harris campaigns combined.

"Please…just make the texts stop," said Casey Muller, an American voter who spends about three hours a day deleting campaign texts. "I've already had to go part-time to keep up with deleting all of the messages. We give up, all right? I'll vote for whoever just stops sending the text messages first!"

In response to the outcry, both campai

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