NEW YORK, NY

Following a $12 billion bid for the notorious news outlet, a group of pacifist Mennonite investors has successfully taken ownership of Fox News and are planning to turn it into a channel that promotes peace and harmony around the world.

“I’m not saying who is going to get fired, if anyone,” said new Fox News CEO Jay Lantz of Lancaster. “But we’re going to make it perfectly clear that we won’t have none of that sensationalistic war-mongering anymore. Anyone who does not oblige to our new direction will be asked to find employment elsewhere. But I’m not worried. I think we can even tame Sean Hannity.”

Critics of the merger warn that the new editorial stance may hurt the company’s bottom line, but the Mennonite investors appear unconcerned.

“People are reluctant to change. It

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