Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is in South Korea this week because if there is anyone who has spectacularly failed upward, it’s Hegseth. You know, a bitter middle manager fixated on grievances who convinced himself that if only he were in charge, things would be perfect.

Well, Hegseth is in charge, and he’s laser-focused on what is really important: making sure America’s armed forces are clean-shaven.

What? You were expecting that his priority would be, say, overseeing a bombing campaign that is quite clearly extrajudicial murder? Hegseth can multitask!

So, while in South Korea, Hegseth has declared that he will not be meeting with any troops who are not clean-shaven. The reason, in true Hegseth fashion, is a combination of rake-stepping and racism.

The beard thing is an absolutely unh

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