The best thing that can be said about Down Cemetery Road is that its crumminess is so immediately apparent that viewers will have every early warning to check out from the start.

Apple TV+’s second series based on the work of Slow Horses author Mick Herron, premiering Oct. 30, features its own grouchy, insubordinate Jackson Lamb-esque protagonist in Emma Thompson’s Zoë Boehm, a private eye roped into solving two related crimes, one of which hits close to home. The illustrious actress’ participation, however, can’t salvage this rote, mushy mess, whose story is bloated, conspiracy is deflating, and rah-rah feminism is corny—a trifecta that turns it into an exercise in excruciating unoriginality.

In Down Cemetery Road’s first 10 minutes, art restorer Sarah Tucker (Ruth Wilson) deals with a

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