ARNHEM, NETHERLANDS

A Dutch court has ruled today that local senior Milan Ratelbrand, 69, is actually legally “one-and-half years old, or two at best.” Ratelbrand had sued the government to have his age lowered by a couple decades so he could have sex with younger strangers he met on the Internet, but the court found he was actually much younger than even Ratelbrand had claimed.

“He was trying to be branded as a 49-year-old,” said the judge, “but when we assessed his maturity and mental age, we found he wasn’t much better than a whiny little toddler.”

The judge has ordered Ratelbrand to suck his thumb from now on and have his diaper changed by a trained professional at least once a day.

“He didn’t like the ruling and immediately threw a fit,” said the judge. “They call it the terrible

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