Don’t Change Each Other, Change the Emotional Climate

Key points

Instead of thinking in terms of getting your partner to change, think about changing the relationship climate.

Think in terms of patterns, be sensitive to each other's emotional wounds, and work together to problem-solve.

The best you can do is work your side of the relationship equation. If you can, that is often enough.

Most couples that come to see me for couples therapy often have the same agenda: If only I can get the other person to change, I’ll feel better. They hope that therapy will do exactly that—that I will sort through their stories, decide who is right or wrong, who really has a problem, and convince the offender to somehow see the light and change their ways. But this never works; it too easily slips into an argument about facts, whose reality is right—“It w