SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to combat climate change and reduce excess waste, coffee shop mega-chain Starbucks has announced it will eliminate its paper cups effective immediately and begin pouring coffee directly down the throats of its customers.

"It's a far more efficient — and environmentally conscious — coffee delivery method," said Starbucks marketing spokesperson Barry Darsow. "With the sheer number of locations we have around the world and the number of paper cups we go through, getting rid of the cups and pumping our coffee straight into the mouths of our customers will be revolutionary, both for our bottom line and for our planet!"

Customers reached for comment on the change seemed unconcerned. "I don't care! Gimme my coffee, baby!" shouted visibly shaking loyal Starbucks custom

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