WHATEVER happens with Kylie, I will always regret not following my heart and dating a woman who is British, middle-aged and drinks too much. And now, at 29, I fear it may be too late.

All my life I’ve felt pressured into dating famous beauties like Lily-Rose Depp and Eiza Gonzalez, but deep down I wanted to be with a 40-something British woman who says things like: ‘Looks like it’s Prosecco o’clock!’ Her being slightly overweight would be the icing on the cake.

Many times when filming in England I watched these unattainable nymphs from a distance, my heart wracked by yearning as I stood outside Spoons. But how could I go into a pub and expect that middle-aged women would want to sleep with me? It was ridiculous.

I’ve even invented an imaginary British partner, ‘Ange’. We have a magical

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