Milton's Protein Crackers
Milton's Protein Crackers
Milton's Protein Crackers
Milton's Protein Crackers
A delicious pour of one of the best beers on the planet.
Milton's Protein Crackers

NFL season means a shift to healthy snacks for me. Mostly because my Sundays and Mondays are a big ol' mess and, instead of making an actual dinner or lunch, I instead default to stress eating a full bag of chips while trying to rank which quarterbacks stunk hardest.

That's led to a proliferation of jerky and protein treats in my cabinets. New to the mix is Milton's, a lineup of crackers that promises 10 grams of protein and a moderate 140 calories per serving. Can it stand up to the snacking standard set by brands like Quest, Wilde or Crisp Power? Or would they fall into a trap of stale vegetable-based protein that leaves a hollow aftertaste behind and the sinking feeling you just ate health food?

Let's run through four of Milton's flavors and see what we've got.

Zesty Ranch: A-

First off, these look like Wheatables. Remember Wheatables? Ostensibly "healthy" crackers made by Keebler that came in "S" shapes, for some reason? Same format here, only with more air pockets and some curling across each crisp.

The ranch smells bright and potent, though you get a hint of the sunflower and rice lurking in the body of the cracker. That holds for the first bite as well; lots of clean midwestern flavor up front and just a bit of grain and protein toward the end. Each bite is light and crunchy, leaving you with a texture closer to Baked Lay's than a cracker.

That gives you with a lighter protein option than bulked-up pretzels that offer a similar 10 grams of protein per serving. While the pea, fava and other additions do clock in toward the end of each bite, the aftertaste is minimal and familiar. It blends well with ranch seasoning and gives little evidence you're dealing with a healthy snack.

The texture, I gotta say, is the standout. Thin, brittle and satisfying. Each cracker has some heavier bits to contrast with the light texture of the air bubbles within. If I have one quibble it's that I could have gone for a heavier dusting of ranch powder across the box. As is, however, these are delightful.

Red Chili: A-

These smell awesome right out of the box. There's a bit of the stale pea protein smell toward the end, but this is vibrant, appetizing red pepper throughout. There's enough tiny red dots on each cracker to suggest we're dealing with a proper amount of seasoning in each bite.

Once again, the crackers are light and crisp. That gives way to a satisfying crunch and a potent, but not overpowering, amount of red chili. There's a savory finish that brings you back for more. Like any good snack, it's one I could crush a full box of without issue.

Air pockets in each crisp vary up the texture in a pleasant way. The paprika isn't spicy, but it does build as you go. It's not anything that would require a glass of milk, but you notice it. This is another cracker Milton's doesn't make taste like a health food outside of a minor twinge of plant protein at the end of each bite.

Sea Salt: C+

On now to the most boring of the flavors. This might as well just be "cracker" flavored crackers. But saltines kinda rule, so there's a chance these hold up similarly well in their simplicity.

Once again, you're left with a satisfying crunch. However, the lack of flavor on top -- the salt is handled with a light touch -- lays everything underneath bare. You're stuck with a plain, bready biscuit underneath that drops pea protein in as a savory running mate. It's underwhelming and boring. Milton's success with the other crackers was its ability to make them taste like unhealthy snacks despite the healthy edge.

The sea salt? That tastes like health food. That said, once you get into a rhythm with these that simple salt approach makes it incredibly easy to crush the whole box. Not that I know from experience or anything, right?

Everything: C-

OK, a bagel-influenced protein crisp. I'm intrigued. The chips themselves seem a bit more complex than the others, with bit dark specks baked in. The smell is vague spice, which I feel like is pretty true to the everything bagel experience.

The first bite is hearty, well spiced and ends on a rye-ish/pumpernickel-style note. This feels like the most adult of all the flavors, doubling down on its deli origins to give you a crisp that would go great with some corned beef and sauerkraut.

That builds after a while, drowning out what's a pretty tasty and sharp spice mix up front. It's a bit of a letdown, and while the salt and crunchy texture of each cracker keep me snacking it's still a bummer. Ranch and red pepper were great. Sea Salt and everything remind you that flavoring matters when it comes to Milton's.

Would I eat it instead of a Hamm's?

This a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking (or eating) to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I eat Milton's Protein Crackers over drinking a cold can of Hamm’s?

The ranch and red chili make for awesome snacks that only *kinda* feel like protein-blasted food. The sea salt and everything, however, flip that. It's more of a chore to eat the latter, but they're ultimately fine. But I'd happily roll with the ranch/chili over a beer in this scenario.

This is part of FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

This article originally appeared on For The Win: Milton's Protein Crackers review: From 'great' to 'not nearly enough'

Reporting by Christian D'Andrea, For The Win / For The Win

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