WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bit of uplifting news today, a group of senile senior citizens in the D.C. area will finally be able to say that they have jobs.

The federal government is set to hire just over five hundred elderly, mentally incapacitated individuals.

"It's really touching," said local woman Jennifer Maxwell. "It's so important for old people, especially those who have lost their mental functions, to still feel like they can contribute. They just want to feel like they're a part of something. Getting to see all these geriatrics be able to call themselves employed, to dress up in a suit — it's special."

The senior citizens will reportedly be driven to work a few days every month, where several aides will be present to care for them. "There will be several helpers to guide the old

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