WINNIPEG, MB

Every Winnipegger’s biggest fear came true last night as one brave soul ventured outside the Perimeter and did not return. Set to become the first Winnipegger ever to leave the city limits to visit a friend, Ms. Peters, 21, of North Kildonan, vanished into a puff of smoke just a little before Deacon’s Corner.

“Oh, Diana, why, why!” said her distraught mother. “I told her never to drive to Steinbach. This is what happens! This is exactly what I warned her about!”

For centuries, scientists had debated the validity of claims of spontaneous combustion, but this time there is no debate.

“If you ever wanted proof of spontaneous combustion, look no further,” said Dr. Smithers. “We can now pinpoint the precise cause – and that is: visiting a friend in the country.”

Since the trag

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