Monster Couch

I have had a terrible couch for almost two years.

Trying to get rid of my terrible couch made me feel like a bad person. It was like I was in The Ring, passing off the videotape that kills you to an unsuspecting victim. Except I was trying to sell a couch, because I knew I’d never get rid of it for free. It's a neutral blue-grey. It pulls out into a bed. It has storage built into the chaise lounge. It only cost me $350. Those are its only good qualities.

The bad qualities are innumerable. springs create stiff, sproingy mounds in the couch cushions—a molehill I’ve happily made a mountain of. The back has no give. You must sit ramrod straight and at an odd angle. The pullout bed pulls out unevenly, probably because I broke it in a fit of rage. It sucks so bad. I’m telling you this because