U.S. — A groundbreaking study of the factors contributing to autism has convinced scientists and doctors that autism is most likely caused by trains being so gosh darned cool.

Scientific consensus now holds that the unmitigated coolness of railway engines is likely the leading factor in autism genesis.

"For years, we've been wondering," said lead researcher Tyler Hagenburg. "Could autism stem from vaccines? Floride? Tylenol? Nope, turns out, it was trains being totally awesome all along."

The study showed that even low levels of exposure to trains can have a significant effect, as in the case of Pat Dudley, a researcher on the study who had selflessly volunteered to look up train facts for science.

"Did you know that over 40% of the world's freight cargo is transported via train?" Dudl

See Full Page