ANAHEIM, CA — In an effort to slow the rise of frightening, right-wing extremism, the state of California has announced a new mandate to close all gyms and fitness centers for two weeks.

"This is a short-term public safety measure," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "These gyms will only be closed for two weeks to slow the spread of fascism. And as we've shown in our state's history, we have never mandated something and later extended it for a much longer period of time than we originally stated."

Cries for action grew over the weekend, as mainstream media outlets detailed the risks to democracy posed by fitness. "You only stay in shape if you're a Nazi," said Jenny Van Der Blunt, who is an outspoken progressive activist and who also weighs 400 pounds. "I don't trust anyone who take

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