Hello! Welcome to my Hallmark movie casting call.

My vision is as follows. You: a busy careerist or parent or homemaker. The specifics aren't important, other than your main personality trait, which is "busy." Setting: the holidays, as I've been reliably informed that this is a requirement for Hallmark films. The drama: You are not done shopping for presents, and it is crunch time.

Oh no.

Enter me, your holiday fairy godmother. (Like any good director, I am casting myself as the hero.) While you're melting down at the prospect of spreading insufficient cheer—your character in ruins, the pressure too much to bear—I appear. Timing is everything. I whisk you away to our supporting cast, a merry band of weirdos, who soothe your sorrows with unorthodox gift suggestions that would have been i

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