The kids are really begging for smartphones this Christmas, but we all know there are potential risks. In lieu of purchasing your child a smartphone, perhaps consider any of these 13 safer alternatives:

A jar of meth: Less addictive than a phone, and they might just clean the house while they're up for 72 hours straight.

Measles: Painful, but odds are pretty good they'll recover.

A real guillotine: Aw, look at the kids playing "French Revolution."

Bag of broken glass: Infinitely safer than an iPhone, and cheaper too.

Starving pet lion: Make the safer choice for your kids. Buy a lion.

Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab Playset with radioactive uranium ore: It will poison them much slower than a phone.

Cyanide capsules: Boy, they look just like Tic-Tacs.

A completely black outf

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