Church of Scientology to Occupy Vacant Main Street Buildings

STEINBACH, MB

In an effort to expand its holdings in southern Manitoba and bring the good news of L. Ron Hubbard to the “lost and blinded people of Steinbach,” the Church of Scientology plans to buy up all the vacant buildings on Main Street and use them for the purposes of the Church.

“In the samples we’ve done, we found that Steinbachers are, on average, very low on the e-meter audits,” said a representative of the corporation church. “We’re here to show people a bridge to total freedom. Thankfully with all the Main Street vacancies there’s enough space for us to do our work.”

The Church will soon occupy close to 50% of the buildings on Main Street and is hoping that the prime location will attract local celebrities to the religion.

“Radio personalities, Carillon New reporters, prom