MADISON, Wis. — Local loser Jim Perkins reportedly found his DUI from two beers kind of embarrassing, confirmed sources who recommended he not show his face in public.

“I mean, you do the crime, you do the time. I’m probably due about 13 life sentences at this point. Am I right?” Perkins said while cheering a lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon to no one. “Two beers is pretty much my baseline. This DUI is like having an affair for two days and that’s it. So humiliating. What’s the point if you don’t get to enjoy driving under the influence? I can’t believe I have to tell the guys at work that I had my license suspended over two Michelob Ultras. See, kids? This is why you go for whiskey. It sounds cooler when you break the law.”

Perkins’s wife couldn’t be more disappointed in him.

“I mean, Jim ha

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