Imagine rubbing the last two brain cells in the empty space between your ears together in search of a way to impress the bros on social media, and coming up with … “Dildo.” Now, imagine being the third guy who laughed at the joke and joined the Green Donger Brigade, only to end up in jail. That’s alleged assault, brotha. Because, let’s face it, when you’ve reached the conclusion that tossing a big-and-floppy onto the hardwood is your irrefutable statement in the all-consuming culture war your life revolves around, the bros don’t exist irl.

Imagine being so butt-hurt that women’s sports have gained a sliver of an inroad into our collective consciousness while both the NBA and the NFL are out of season, that you think interrupting a physical contest of wills you could never compete in with

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