WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhinged press conference earlier today.

“It’s time we as a nation stop glorifying woke garbage and start honoring the real artists who helped make America the greatest culture in history! That’s why I’m using the power entrusted to me by myself to add two performers to what was already the greatest lineup of Kennedy Center honorees!” said Trump, gesturing to the animatronic toys. “As you can see, both gentlemen are with me today, and they are so grateful for what I’ve done for them that they’ve actually collaborated on a

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