MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.

“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for four months,” said Josh Andersen, singer and guitarist for Slice. “When the scurvy set in, we tried treating it with a case of Fanta we found backstage. That didn’t work, but dripping blood from my gums while I sang absolutely fucked. Our limps looked great, too, because of how low we could hold our guitars. But then it got really hard to load the gear in and out. Everything hurt, and I could barely see to drive the van. So we decided to play s

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