PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a landmark ruling that was sure to have far-reaching consequences, a federal court ruled that a group of Catholic nuns would be immediately required to start worshiping Molech.

Despite public outcry advocating for religious liberty and the right to be exempt from governmental requirements to cover contraceptives, the court ordered the nuns to abandon their deeply held convictions and turn to worshiping the ancient Canaanite deity, infamously known to call for child sacrifices.

"You are hereby ordered to bow down and sacrifice babies," said Judge Robert Chandler. "Having deep religious beliefs and wanting to uphold the sanctity of human life as an act of worship to God is, in my opinion, wholly unconstitutional. I am ordering that your church be renamed and a bronze

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