LA CRETE, AB

While millions of people around the world clamour to get their hands on the latest Apple product, Mennonite leaders are working together with Samsung and others to convince congregants that the new iPhone 7, “totally sucks,” and is also quite worldly.

“I’ll be completely honest with you: the new iPhone sucks and is also a sin…well, that’s what I call a twofer,” said Pastor Goertzen of La Crete, Alberta. “While the world seeks the newest and latest phone, which actually really bites, we will stick with Samsung Galaxy or the iPhone 6. It will be our way of being a light in the darkness.”

Rev. Goertzen, who moonlights at the local RadioShack, is warning his congregation not to trade in their old phones, at least not until their current plans expire, and to seriously considerin

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