Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Profit from a Freakier Friday body-swap scenario in which people invariably return to their own bodies by demanding £5,000 to not cut off a leg.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Prospective parents. Test if nominative determinism is true by naming your son Big Dick Academic Overachiever Investment Banker. If nothing else he’ll stand out at school.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

In The Fantastic Four: First Steps , what sort of sadistic mind makes The Thing share accommodation with a loved-up married couple and a young, good-looking celebrity superhero? The only action he’s likely to get is shagging a breeze block.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Why are there so many unused coathangers in your wardrobe? Did you used to have more outfits than Lady Gaga?

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