THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

A lexicological investigation has revealed that whether the statement is being made by a CEO, a charitable organiser, a headteacher, the leader of an SAS squad operating behind enemy lines or the Pope, it is demonstrably untrue.

Researcher Jo Kramer said: “When, as a bridesmaid, I was told the wedding simply could not have been organised without me, my suspicions were aroused. Because I did piss all.

“Nikki was desperate to get hitched. Does she honestly expect us to believe that without a WhatApp group saying ‘oh those flowers are lovely’ she would have been unable to book a venue, choose a dress and persuade Craig that he couldn’t do any better?

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