INGOT ISLE — According to sources, the ape known as Donkey Kong is certain collecting another banana will fill the God-shaped hole in his heart.

"OHHHHHHH banana!" DK said, illustrating that he hoped his next banana would finally bring him the lasting peace and happiness he had fruitlessly sought his entire life.

Donkey Kong, also known as DK, has allegedly been digging through the earth in search of Banandium Gems, a crystallized banana that is somehow edible, after discovering that normal bananas no longer satisfy him.

Religious experts believe that DK's fruitless search for his next dopamine hit is a mere distraction from what he truly needs: Christ.

"It's so sad, but I really hope finds the Lord," said Pastor Giovanni Ravioli. "Unfortunately, he can't read. He can barely communicat

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