SUN VALLEY, CA — Sources close to Hodgson Lloyd-Jones Johnson confirmed earlier this week that the Reformed 32-year-old spent the Lord's Day resting by blasting people in theological arguments online.

According to both of Johnson's friends, the former high-school debate champion honored the Sabbath with a relaxing rest of absolutely owning theological noobs in the cyberspace.

"Oops, I just rekt another reprobate heretic Arminian," Johnson reportedly said around 3:00 pm that Sunday, as he put the finishing touches on a treatise on supralapsarianism and the sovereignty of God. "Sorta pre-cooked him, if you know what I mean. Oh crumbs — here's another one who still believes in free will. Where's my cigar?"

While Johnson spent over three hours digging through his extensive library of Reform

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