WASHINGTON, D.C. — A dedicated mall enthusiast was left severely disappointed this week after a long-awaited trip to the National Mall failed to live up to expectations, with the visitor shocked to discover the lack of any of his favorite stores.

"Where's the Hot Topic?!" exclaimed John DeBerger when he arrived at the National Mall. "And what about Auntie Anne's pretzels? No Cinnabon?! Are you kidding me?! This is the lamest mall I've ever seen!"

DeBerger has been an avid mall attendee since his childhood when malls were actually popular and served a purpose. "There's nothing like a good mall," he said wistfully. "You can go in through the Macy's entrance and get randomly sprayed with various perfumes and colognes, eat subpar lunch at the food court, and you might even be lucky enough to

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