LOS ANGELES — Baseball superstar Shohei Ohtani signed a record-shattering $700 million contract today with the Los Angeles Dodgers, which will net him about 58 bucks after taxes.

"I am very happy to have signed the largest baseball contract of all time," said Ohtani through an interpreter. "I am thankful the Dodgers believe I am worth $700 million, which I am told after taxes will allow me to purchase two full-size sandwiches from Jimmy John's. I am hoping to finally try the Italian Night Club."

Considered by some to be the most talented baseball player in history, Ohtani will earn $70 million each year for the next ten years. "After taxes, it comes out to about six bucks per year, so Ohtani may have to wait a couple years if he really wants to spring for a full-size sandwich," said comm

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