SALEM, MA - In a huge step forward for diversity and inclusivity, the Unitarian Church ordained its first openly heterosexual minister.

"All paths lead to Heaven -- even straight ones," said former Unitarian minister Daisy Rogers. "After decades of nothing but queers, we are proud to tear down the walls and welcome Minister Craig Mullins, the first heterosexual minister in Unitarian church history."

According to sources, Mullins had lived the first three decades of his life as a closeted heterosexual before finally discovering the courage to come out. "It was so scary, wondering if my church would accept me for who I was," explained Mullins. "Having grown up in a Unitarian church in Seattle, I had never even met a straight person before. Deep down though, I knew I could not keep living a

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