WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a federal judge ruled that Trump could not keep his tax returns secret throughout an investigation in New York, a frantic, sweating Trump accessed the free version of TurboTax online and quickly began punching in his tax information for the last several decades.

"Oh man, I might be in trouble," he muttered, wiping his brow, as he punched in his name, date of birth, and occupation. "Hey, Melania, how much did I get paid for The Apprentice again? Eh, I'll just ballpark it."

The president pulled several crumpled McDonald's receipts out of his pockets and slowly entered them as deductions. He also googled, "Trump hotel value?" and "How much money do you think Trump is worth?" to help him obtain the necessary information to complete the program. He also searched "Funn

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