Back-to-school season has arrived: Target looks like a war zone, kitchen calendars suddenly resemble air traffic control boards, and children have developed mysterious illnesses with symptoms that cause deathly allergic reactions to mornings, math, and anything that involves leaving the house before 10 a.m. For parents trying to survive this annual rite of chaos, here’s a no-nonsense, slightly unhinged guide. It may help, and it may not, but hopefully it will muster a giggle or a smile at the least.

1. School Supplies: The Modern Hunger Games

Parents think they’re prepared. They bought pencils, folders, and glue sticks back in July when the stock was abundant and the prices were almost free. Wrong. Teachers send home a new list on Day One that includes obscure items, such as a chartreu

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