THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?

Helen Archer, West Ham fan: “Max Beier, Dilane Bakwa, Jhon Lucumi, Aliex Garcia and of course Calvin Stengs. No, I don’t really know who any of them are, but they sound ideal vessels for false hope.”

Julian Cook, Woking fan: “Any Man United player. They cost f**k all and they’re so happy to escape they play with a joy and freedom that’s wonderful to watch and should get us out of the National League.”

Denys Finch Hatton, Brentford fan: “Jakov Milatovic, who’s doing a terrific job leading the line for Montenegro and we can pick up for a steal as he’s only on £33k a week. What? He’s the country’s president and that’s his an

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