LA CRETE, AB

Attendees at a local Mennonite church will be on their best behaviour from now on as the church has blown their entire budget to hire English rock band Coldplay to help identify sinners.

“This is a valuable skillset every church could use,” said Pastor Ron. “I’ve been working on it for years and I still haven’t mastered the art of peering down into the congregation and instantly pointing out the sinners. But that Chris Martens fellow seems like an expert.”

The church have fired the regular worship band and will be supplying Coldplay with a giant spotlight to point out the sinners. A team of elders will be ready with their notebooks to jot down any infractions.

“I’m hoping for a record number of excommunications this year,” said Pastor Ron. “The conference says I’ve got a q

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