KITCHENER, ON

Emergency crews were called to a scene in Kitchener today where Alice Goossen, 43, was discovered to have completely dried out and turned into a pillar of salt after failing to apply adequate levels of moisturizer this November.

“Poor Alice. She used buckets of lotion, but it was never enough this time of year,” said family friend Susanna Toews. “I could see her skin just cracking and falling off over the last few weeks. I tried to warn her, but I guess there was nothing that could be done.”

Goosen’s solidified body is being taken to a local hospital, where it’s hoped that she can be revived and returned to normal.

“This isn’t the first case I’ve seen,” said Dr. Regehr. “Canadians always dry up like prunes this time of year. But it’s really out of hand. It’s reaching Bibl

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