NEW YORK, NY

After a long storied career as baseball’s most notable scumbag, convicted cheater Alex Rodriguez will hang up his cleats on Friday, as fans gather at Yankee Stadium to say “good riddance” to professional baseball’s biggest jackass since Ty Cobb.

“From my sheer unfettered arrogance and dishonesty, to my repeated steroid use and sign stealing, I’ve committed myself to bringing disgrace to America’s pastime in every way I could,” explained Rodriguez. “I’ve been doing it for more than twenty years, but now it’s time to retire and await my rejection letter from the Hall of Fame year after year.”

In commemoration of A-Rod’s final game, hardcore Rodriguez fans are planning to bring their own steroids for a very special tailgate party before the first pitch.

“My buddies and I goin

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