Sex advice: Once women find out what I want to do in bed, they run for the hills.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here . It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a guy who is into BDSM. The problem is that I’ve had a number of women bail on me when they find out. Is there some way I can slowly introduce a partner to my world, or should I restrict myself to seeking someone within the bondage circles?

—Frequently Ghosted

Dear Frequently Ghosted,

I’m getting the sense from your letter that you might be approaching dating as finding someone to fill a role, rather than getting to know an individual and sharing yourself with them, which might be where your main issue is occurring, especially if your dates are picking up on this. There’s no single solution here that works for all women. If “into BDSM