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Ask any Catholic-school kid—current or former—and they’ll tell you: Wednesday Mass sucks.

Once a week, the school steals an hour from lunch or recess and forces you to sit in a hard wooden pew designed by sadists and kneel on kneelers that give you the back pain of a 50-year-old before you hit puberty. To pass the time, you count the stained glass windows or stare at the light fixture dangling from the ceiling, wondering which unlucky kid it’d flatten if it came loose. Easily, though, the hardest part is pretending to solemnly worship as a child—all the while surrounded by all of your best friends, who are also children. Jesus may have fed the 5,000, but I imagine

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