VANCOUVER, BC

Gas stations across Vancouver are going the extra mile this week by providing each paying customer with a complimentary eye-gouging or kick in the groin.

“We’re trying to stand out from the crowd by giving customers a little extra service,” said local gas station manager Troy Asel. “So after we fill your tank, make sure to come into the store for a free gouging … or a swift kick between the legs if that’s what you prefer.”

Customers are already lining up their SUVs to take advantage of the offer.

“I hear they’re going to be gouging people all week,” said excited customer Amanda Doerksen. “Last time I had my left eye done. This time I think I’d prefer the right.”

With each purchase, drivers will also be given a stamp on their loyalty cards which, after ten stamps, can be

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