WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources close to President Biden claim the elderly politician was initially nervous and worried upon hearing a president was going to be indicted for shady deals and suspect business transactions, but was "relieved" upon learning that it was just a possible misdemeanor allegedly committed by Trump years ago.

"Oh, the president who's being indicted for sleazy deals and financial crimes is - it's Trump? Well, that's a relief!" he told reporters. "Whew! I tell you what folks - say, is Jackie here? Where's Jackie? She said she was gonna be here."

"Well, anyway." He then stared off into space for a while. "Uh, I heard there was gonna be chocolate chip ice cream here. That's why I came. Where's Trump? I'll beat him in a push-up contest right now. When I'm president, he'll be

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