PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA

The International Olympic Committee announced on Tuesday that Mennonites “and other Anabaptists” will be banned from competing in the 2018 Pyeongchang Winter Olympics. The IOC believes that and give Mennonites an edge, especially in the sport of curling where being out-of-shape and a little wheezy is considered advantageous.

“We can’t have just any old Reimer or Toews stuffing themselves with cracklings and and then heading out onto the ice,” said IOC President Thomas Bach. “It’s unfair to all the other athletes who’ve spent years getting themselves into tip-top shape.”

But curling is not the only sport where Mennonite athletes have excelled due to excessive carbohydrate consumption.

“Bobsled, luge, the skeleton–you name it,” said Bach. “If you’re trying to rea

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