BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.

“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she looks up from her book she’ll definitely be able to see my shirt. It has the artwork from their ‘Obscura’ album, so I’ll know she’ll appreciate how intelligent I am. I’m a sophisticated metalhead with a taste for profound lyrical themes, atonal melodies and unconventional song structures, and it shows. I’m willing to bet that she’ll immediately fall into my arms the second she notices me.”

Amelia Barnhardt, the woman you’ve been

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